iwark

i've lost a bit more weight today :D

today i ate 592 calories (incl drinks) and burned 717 calories at the gym and swimming. i'm feeling a little drained today and i'm craving slightly, its only 7:15pm but i might just go to bed when i've done on my coz i've not got much energy. probably coz of the gym session. i feel so happy that i managed to stay and burn all that + do weights aswell because i did lose motivation and was just about to leave the gym suite and go home after burning when i saw this perfect girl on one of the machines near the door, so i just had to go on the cross traininer and did another 100 cals, then when swimming too! (the gym has a pool in it and its realy nice). i know if i had left when i was going to i would have felt realy crap and may have eaten more food.

so ya im happy just realy tired!

i've been buying more crap on ebay! :D its only some £1 pikachu stickers but it made me happy lol

today i ate 668 Calories (icluding drinks) and burned 600 calories at the gym whilst watching how to look good naked +did some weights + ended up walking round for 40/50 minutes lost lol so i think i've worked it off.

i also made a new chart for my room that track the calorie defluct that i have daily (or how much extra) because the last design was a bit OTT and i wanted somthing simpler, and i also wrote the text in korean hangul  so if my dad gets nosey he wont know what it says. i'm going to have to learn hangul, i think it'd make a good code and its easier to use for English words then Japanese Kana (which i've almost got the hang of :D)

im feeling realy happy today to say its only Tuesday, things just seem to be going better these days.

oh yeah volunteer work, the reason i was walking around lost is because i couldn't find the place, i got there eventually to find that there was no one there so i think it might have been canceled due to school holidays it would have been nice if they told me but i suppose they forgot, so i'm ringing them in the morning to find out if the other youth club im volunteering at is running or not.

さよなら！

ok so first off the weigh in wasn't as bad as i thought. i ended up eating loads at my nans then had my head down the toilet for ages. nice. hopefully i got the worst of it out. my nan was nagging me to have my tea/dinner so i did and it set off te worst cravings and with a box of buiscuits infrount of me that my grandad had presented its not a good mix :-(

oh well on and up, tomorow im starting my voluntry work at the youth club yay :D but i cant remember for the life of me what the woman that i'll be working with is called; i havn't met her but she's expecting me i think so if i get a spare min i'll have to ring gary up and ask, that'll be an embarasing convosation lol.

so dieting tomorow should go better coz they'll be no pushy familly and i'll be buisy all day, i just hope the weathers ok in the afternoon coz someone always notices if i dont have my lunch brake and i dont like walking around town in the rain + its market day so i can go and look at stuff :-)

Anyway, its late and i need to be up at 7 so good night!

tomorow is weigh in to find out just how much weight i've put on during my week off which involved a leithal dosage of chocolate lol. i only ate 1 meal yesterday and today im going for a fast again and so far its going ok. I've decided once i've been weighed im going to do kind off a diet coke fast for 2-3 weeks, i'm not scared of crash dieting anymore and if i dont do it for very long i should be fine :). last time i sucessfully lost weight and kept it off was way back in february/March time i think and during that time i followed the "ABC" diet for 18 days and lost 21 pounds. if i do 21 days on this i would hope to lose the same or maybe a bit more :) we'll see. i seem to be felling quite powerful recently so i'lll put it to the test!

my bf cooked for me and i couldn't turn it down so i've eaten a meal today, normally i'd just think it doesn't matter its only one meal but i realy needed to not eat anything today + the meal i ate has like 600/700 calories in it i bet so even if i manage not to eat tomorow its gunna be close on monday morning. i suppose i'll just have to wait and see but im not looking forward to stepping on the scales. fasting is so much easier at home, no one cooks for me or tells me to eat somthing; my dad wouldn't notice if i never ate again and turned into a pile of bones! i prefer it that way tho-not the turning into bones bit, i mean i like the fact i can do what i want without him sticking his nose in. i know my bf just thinks he's doing the right thing and being nice by cooking me my favorate meals whilst i do appreciate that and think he's the best bf in the world, he's not always a help especially when he's telling me im not fat :/ seriously he says that!


anyway despite that little blip i think im just going to have to try hard tomorow and keep stressing on the fact "i'm not hungry" and just hope monday isn't as bad as i think. i know its only one more day that i've missed but my metabolism is sky high at the moment so one day of fasting can make me lose one or two pounds but whatever enough moaning i'll pick it up tomorow.

My week off is nearly up and i bet i've put like a KG on or something! i've not eaten today n thats the plan for today and tomorow; just sugar free pop and dilute juice and teas n stuff and maybe a hot chocolate if i get desperate for something sweet but i'm doing ok at the moment, even with my bf shoving food under my nose lol; he means no harm. I think the next 2 days should be easy, i only realised that It's nearly the end of my week off and on monday i'll be steping on the scales! just the thought of that is scary coz i know i've gained despite a couple of good days this week; i think that only just cancels out the amount of chocolate i've eaten!

anyway i can't change whats been done so i'm just going to have to make up for it!

I've had fun this week; although i've not realy done much i've enjoyed the brake and i dont wanna go back to work on monday lol. I've still got a point to prove with those weidos so i'll be there bright and early.

I'll be back on later (i'll probably be craving quite bad and need a rant lol) for now im going to do some french learning 8-)

well rite now im laid in bed strokeing my iccle cat :3 lol

works going a bit better these days so thats a good start; i still want a new job tho lol. im managing to stay out of the bad books for now lol

next is relasionships; everythings fine in the friends department and with the bf (although a bit more action would be nice lol) my familly are still fighting all the time but they always have so im not too bothered.

so everything seems to be good for now, i've been feeling alot better since m downer about a month ago (or whenever it was),  i go on those sometimes but i always bounce back ok. :)

im off work till the 26 now so think i'm going to have a go at liquid fasting because i'm probably going to be chillin out all week at my bf's house and i havn't lost weight in months; i was a bit scared to because of some woman that died from it (in a previous post) but i think in the short term wont hurt if i'm careful so i've got some more fruity teas in and i'll see if i can find some will power lol. i'm also going to do some cleaning at my bfs coz the place is a mess and its bugging me.

I've been thinking about doing distance learning and i've finanly found somewhere that will take on under 18's for GCSE/A level courses i want to do phycology and english at A level so i'll have to do GCSE Phycology first (I already have English) si that should be interesting, i need to wait till payday so i can pay for the GCSE course and i'll start the Alevels in the new year.

so in short; works getting better, im doing some courses soon, familly still hate each other (like i care), and im crash dieting this week but only this week coz im still put off the idea. 

im feeling way down today. i've not fekt this bad in a while. i was crying most of this morning and i'm off again now, i'm also feeling slightly suicidal which is something i havnt felt ina while. my dad (blind drunk n had to get my grandad to pick him up) was telling me how money is the most important thing in tehe world n that i'll never understand the value of it untill i only have £20 to feed a family for a week. What a load off bullshit, firstly its nice to know i'm such a burden, secondly the last time he had all his kids for a week was over a year ago, and whilst i could go on about this all night, the only reaosn he only has £20 is coz he got himself in massive debt buying his gf stuff (behind my mums back and after they spit) that he is STILL paying off 7 years later (going to be at least another 3) so banks will give him an overdraft. i can honestly say i will never get into that situation yet he still bangs on about how much of a burden i am and that i should stay working where i am even tho i hate it. it's times like this i wish i'd just ran away when i had the chance rather then getting suck in this stupid job; the thing is if i leae i have to pay pack all the time i have been doing on the job training, so because i'm an apentice i do at lease 6 hours a week thats about £20.40 for everyweek i've been there and i've been there a year. i cant afford that! so the only other options are to do as little training as possible for 2 years so i dont have to pay anything back (the rule has a 2 year cut off point) or i get myself fired, which is what i'd prefer but then i'd have no referances to get another job seen as my other 2 referees i cant use anymore! i'll figure a way around it. but right now all i want is an escape route!

the last few days have been awful. i read something in the paper about this obese woman who went on a crash diet of just over 500 calories a day to slim for her wedding. IT KILLED HER! she was on it about a month from what i can remember, but what it had done the lack of food she was getting had caused her body to eat away at it's self and had actually weakend her heart muscles which gave her a heart attack. i always knew crash dieting was dangerous but i didn't think it could kill you unless you were already underweight. it is quite disturbing though because when i crash diet i get chest pains; something i was putting down to not having enough fluids, maybe not. after reading it orgionally i did some research on it to make sure the paper had got the story right. they had just about got it. She was perfectly healthy before she started the diet (or "weight loss programme" as they call it") it actually made me cry, she had a man that loved her and was about to start a family with him but she cant now because she wanted to be thin, what a waste. so this made me go into a state of "i dont care anymore its not worth that" so binging happened.

i feel totally lost now, after this i will not do another fad/crash diet. I DONT WANT TO DIE! There's too much i need to prove to the world! but this has been my obsession for about 7 months and altough my weight has yo-yoed alot it's been genrally going in the downwards direction, but what now?

I think i will turn my attension towards getting FIT rather then THIN, i got my dance mat out the other day for the first time in a while (except the odd few times in the arcades) and was shocked at how much it wore me out! i used to be able to do 30 mins on a hard level nonstop but i was struggling to breath after about 15-20 minutes! so i think fitness is somthing i need to work on. i am packing in my gym member ship BUT i'm getting a new one at the gym down the road so it should be more conveniant so i can go late without worrying how long it'll take me to get home or if it opens early i could even go before work! it's more expensive them the other gym but it'll be a lot more conveniant and my grandma says she'll pay for ir which is good of her, she paid for my sister to have a years membership a few years ago and i was jelous because i wanted one but i was too young to be allowed one then so she said when i'm old enough then i can have one sio now she's getting me one :).

another thing i want to do is learn some languages why? because it'll be usefull at some point and if someone pisses me off then i can just speak foreigh at them! i have a few languages in mind to learn but i'm going to start of with french and spannish because i think they'd be easy to start with and they're simerlar so it should be ok to do them at the same time. i'm going to try doing self learning but if that doesn't workout then i'll pay for a college course but i think i should be ok home learning. i'm totally new to french but i did a little spanish at school but i cant say i learnt much realy. at some point i'm going to do some more qualifications, quite possobly A Levels, again through home learning but i just want an escape route out of the rut i'm getting myself in from working where i am now. it's a boring office job where i get treated like shit and no one seems to have any respect for themselves or anyone else and i hate it, but with no referances and only average qualifications in a time when there's not many jobvs what can i do? my tutor says i should go to uni but i cant afford it and i'm not sure if i'm smart enough anyway.

i'm making myself dizzy from typing now so i might have to stop soon and this post is probbaly full of typo's/spelling mistakes because i'm typing that fast but i cant help it because all i've been eating and drinking for the past 2 days is chocolate, pop and vodka so i'm hyperactive witrh nothing to do, i might try and convince my boyfriend to go fro a walk with me in a bit once he realises that i'm still here lol. he doesn't get much of a mension in here but thats probably because he doesn't piss me off and when i'm blogging i think alot of it is quite negative. so yeah my boyfriend is paul, we've been together almost 2 years and i live at his house at weekends and when i've not got work to go too! i love him to bits n he seems quite perfect realy :)

ermm yeah i'd better wrap this up. BASICALLY:

• I'm no longer crash dieting because of that obese woman that died from it because i thought only thin people died from crash dieting
• i still hate my job
• i'm going to have a go at learning french and spanish
• joining a gym thats closer that my grandma is paying for
• my boyfriend is perfect
• my spelling sucks
• i need to improve my fitness level because a 90 year old probably has more stinima then me!

thanks for reading (probably only the bullet points make any sence at all) and i hope your all doing fantastic at whatever it is your aiming for right now Xx<3xX

well after doing the first 5 days of ABC not only did i get back down to my lowest weight, i managed to get a new low! but then today happend, i was feeling very weak so i stupidly went food shopping whilst craving and i binged on over 1000 calories plus ate loads more later at my nans house, i tryed purging after the lunch time binge but someone walked in the first time and the second time all i was getting was water and i scared of someone coming in again! i'm so mad at myself for giving in like that. but what to do next? i darent weigh myself tomorow because it'll be realy high so i suppose tomorow i should fast or something but i dont think i'll last tbh i'm feeling realy weak both physically and emotionally so i dont think i'll cope, i'll have a couple of eggs for breakfast and take a sandwich for my lunch and skip evening meal, i think i'll go swimming too, i need togo to the gym anyway because my contract is almost up and i need to go in and tell them i dont want to renue it. why? becase it's boring and i dont go enough, I'm going to do activities instead, i'm only free 2-3 evenings a week so i think i'll do rolar blading one night, swimming another and i'm thinking of taking upwomens boxing because it sounds like loadsa fun and it'll tone me up, but before i start doing that i think i need to get my stanima back up again, the problem with crash dieting is it makes exercise a lot harder, i was out of breath walking up 2 flights of stairs today, i was feeling ill today but still! i think i might crash a little bit more but not so intencely i'll stick to under 1000 untill my bmi is below 30 (as of this mornings weigh in it was 30.4) then i'll start eating a bit more normally if i can so that i dont feel like fainting after 30 mins of exercise! untill then i think i'll stick to walking and swimming because they dont take it out of me so much and if im on 1000 i should feel up to it even if it means going to bed at 7PM.

so after all that! the new plan is eat <1000 cals a day and try and do some form of exercise everyday. also i may not get weighed for a few days due to todays binge, we'll see how tomorow goes,i'll prfobably have to get weighed on thursday because i'm seeing my grandma and she notices if i lose like 3 lbs so she'll probably ask me about my weight, she's so tiny tho, she weighs about 9 stone (126 lbs) and when she was my age she weighed like 7 and a half stone(105 lbs)! she is really short ans has a naturally small build so she's not unhealthy or anything.

another thing i've let slip is i'm not drinking enough fluid, my mouth is really dry but i dont know if i shouuld get a drink or not coz i'm abot to go to bed and i dont want to be waking up in the night to go to the loo lol, i'll just have a little drink lol

i dont half go on, i want to type more but i'm falling asleep lol!

I'm crently on day 3 of ABC diet; yep that old flame, i was tidying my desk the other day whilst thinking about diets and stuff and i fond an old food diary from when i did ABC way back which is when i lost most my weight so decided to give it another go, i'm only going for 20 days though because i know i wont be able to do the full 50 and be able to focus at work so i decided on 20 coz thats about wheat i did last time. this time i'm going to take more care when i come off it though so i dont end up gaining half the weight back.

I managed to beat a realy bad craving on wednesday; i realy wanted some thorntons chocolates (by some a mean a huge binge on them), i even went in the shop but after looking at a few things my will power won and i left empty handed (and spent my change on a indoor rose plant lol). i was also craving a binge last night but i stayed in my room (no food there) and watched cartoons and snuggled in bed, a bit couch potatoey of me but its better then eating and the scales are rewarding me for resisting a binge. i had a couple of small cravings today but nothing i couldn't handle (mainly coz i cant leave the office without a good reason) and when i left work i just bought some diet coke and ate somthing once my craving had gone.

I'm at my bf's this weekend and his scale is crap (it says i'm lighter then i am) and seen as i only get weighed in the morning i wont get weighed until monday, i realy hope i'm back down to 196 or even better hit a new low. i'm 199.2 at the moment and it's gone down by 5.8 over the last 2 days so as long as i dont give in (my bf cooks realy nice food) i should get there easily :)

Works going a bit better now, i've not been in trouble for a while and i've been early everyday so yeah thats getting better, i still dislike my job role and everyone's still two faced and annoying, i have a few friends at work but as for certain others i woldnt trust 'em as far as i cold throw 'em (which wouldn't be very far lol)

i'm quite hungry right now, i've had 214 calories so far and i'm allowed 300 so i might see if i can find some crackers or somthing coz my jelly's not set yet lol. i think thats all i''ve got to say right now, oh yeah i went to the doctors the other day and they think i'm anemic (lack of iron in blood) so i'm going back for some blood tests but next week i'm going for my 2'nd hpv/cancer jab so i'm having tests the week after. i think i'm ok tho, i think i was just tired because i was having extra periods coz i'm not so tired now but i like an early night anyway so its hard to tell whats normal because my sleeping patrns have always been a bit odd so as far as i'm concerd they're back to normal (i go to bed at abot 8 or 9pm and wake up at about 6:30AM)

so i realy cant think of anything else i need to get off my chest, so ya to sum up: cravings/binging is undercontrol, dieting is progress, work is getting better and i'm going to get jabbed with needles lol!

so because i've been having 10-12 hour sleeps every night recently my mums booked me in at the doctors. i dont want to go to the doctor because she will remind me that i'm fat and stuff then i'll get all upset and getting upset could be a trigger for my binge eating, so i'm not eating uptill after i've been (this tuesday) it probably wont make much effect but it'll make me feel like i'm doing somthing to help and i find it easier not to binge if i'm not eating at all which sounds stupid but i was the same when i gave up smoking, rather then have less and less i just had non and stuck out the headaches for a week. obviouslt with food its not quite as easy because if i 'give up eating' then i'll eventually die!

i'm lacking motivation quite a bit but i should be ok if i keep adding to me thinspo/reverse thinspo playlist on youtube, it rly keeps me going!

...i've been stuffing my face for the last two days, i feel totally powerless, what is it about high sugar/fat food that i just cant resist? why does it have to be like this? i need to find the problem that is making me want to over-indulge like this but i havn't a clue what it could be. i've been doing it for so long, the problems i had then dont exsist now and i'm happier then i've ever been so why is my binging getting worse?

anyway time for an action plan: i'm going to make up a load of sugar free jelly/jello for next time im grabbing for stuff, ok it doesn't solve the problem but at least i wont be eating 100's/1000's of calories on a binge.

i've been reading about 'binge eating disorder' and it sums me up in shell! so i decided if i'm addicted to food then i should stop right? i've got to eat eventually so i ate today after a few days and its the same as before, i'm addicted i walk over to the fridge without even thinking bout it! how am i supposed to give up an ddiction if the very thing i'm addicted to is supposed to keep me alive?! so ya been reading up and it said that all these crash diets i do are making it worse, so  somehow i need to eat 'normally' and just resist the binge eating bit.This isn't about losing weight now its about breaking the addiction! so i'm going to start having 3 normal meals a day, i'll plan my meals in advance so it'll be easier, if something isn't on my plan then i cant have it! if my body is going towards the food i must stop it and either; call my boyfriend, blog, sing my karaoke playlist on youtube, go for a walk, get into an addictive pc game, or just whatever i can! i've got a list somewhere. as for the purging and stuff that was going on i think i've officially put an end to that.

I'm still going to lose weight, just not as fast because of my BMI i need to lose some so here are my current stats:

HW: 228 lbs
LW: 196 lbs
CW: 199 lbs
GW: 126 lbs

Start BMI: 35.7
Curent BMI: 31.2

i'm not quite back down to before i re-gained but i'm not going to get weighed for a while because my metabolism is messed up so even if i only et 800 cals in a day i gain so i'm not getting weighed until i think i've lost weight!

Family

 my sisters dating a very suspicious bloke thats already proven to be a lier and is turning my sister against me but just to make things worse i'm expected to sit back and do absolutly nothing about it! Seen as my sister is extreamly stubborn my family thinks its best if we let her lern from her own mistakes bt she's going to end up with a ring on her finger (or a bun in the oven) in a few months so we'll see what they're saying then! my dads evil girlfriend (of 7 years) has finaly left and my dads been totally pathetic! he's bitching off about her all the time, mopeing about the house bringing me down and its doing my head in; i thought once she'd gone i would have a normal family life whatever the hell that is but apparently not.

Love Life

Still fantastic no compplaints here, just wish he didnt live so far away lol but we still going strong and hoping to by moving in with him soon :)

Friends

I seem to be a bit more popular now but i'm not to worriedabout how many friends i'e got at the moment; i dont feel lonely and i go out for a drink with someone most nights if i wanted too.

Health and Weight Loss

after losing 2 stone 4 (32 pounds) way back in spring i'e managed to gain a stone (14 pounds) back! from not going to the gym and constant binging, i dont knoiw what diet to do, i might just crash for a bit but i know thats not good for me but niether is being overweight and i hate re-losing it feels like hant acomplised anything. ABC diet? atkins diet? calorie count diet? water fast diet? slim fast diet? cabbage soup diet? celebrity slim diet? south beach diet? beverly hills diet? 5 point diet? sugar free coke diet? any would work but which one could i actually stick too? i'll come up with something.

Work

Dont even go there i hate my job

so thats where things stand at thyw moment, still trying to be optamistic heres whats good:

• My dads evil girlfriend has gone
• i didnt put ALL the weight back on although i've stopped purging
• i'm going out with my friends moe
• I have a perfect man who loves me to bits

i was hoping for a longer list but oh well.

its my life only i can change it!

my eating habbits are all over the place rite now and so is my weight! im going on holiday day after tomorow so that wont help. i'jm going to try and lose some water weight, i dont understand it a great deal i think if you drink mopre water you lose water weight or something? i just need a drop to make myself feel better.

after i come back from holiday i'm going to have a go at the ABC diet because i did it before (well about 18 days of it) and did quite well so i'm going to try and do the full 50 days or just untill i lose another 2 stone, then i'll gradually eat a bit more to sort my metabolism out then i'll take another 2 stone dip then eat more then take te last 1 stone off through healthy eating. thats the plan anyway but for the next week i'm just going to avoid food as much as posible and just enjoy my holiday, im not sure if i'll be posting next week because i've not decided weather or not to bring my laptop because if the weathers like this i wont need it coz i'll be enjoying the sun all week!

i'm going to give the language learning a better go aswell because i've been slacking alot recently and i havn't remembered all that much! so i'm going to try and lean my letters before i try to continue (im learning jappanese and having major problems with the reading) so thats another task :)

ok so i'm going on holiday on saturday which is going to be calorie-tastic with all the alcohol so this weeks plan is to boost my metabolism as much as posible! im going to try and drink 10 cups of green tea instead of my usual 5, get some muscle from swimming/gyming, eat breakfast everyday and try to do the little and oftern thing (although i feel weird eating at work all the time). i've also asked for advice on some communities incase im forgetting somthng,

on holiday im going to do my best to prevent weight gain but its going to happen because i cant say no to a piss up! food probably wont be an issue because im quite good at dissapearing at meal times! and i'll make sure im on my feet all day but i bet im going to have put on weight so i'll have to do some drastic dieting lmao :D. my weight is fluctuating like there's no tomorow! seriously its still fluctuating by about 4/5 pounds everyday even tho i weigh myself first thing in the morning! its probably that water weight people talk about that i dont realy understand, what if you drink more water you lose water weight?! hmm... so ya this week is all about the metabolism!

i'm very tired atm so i may just spend the day sleeping after work has done lol (the ay's only just started!)

i'm realy pissed off today because my teddy's gone missing, possably been took by a 12 year old, why do i care about a teddy bear? its the first pressi my long term boyfriend bought me and its quite important to me and im realy upset that someone would take it. shes nicked my stuff before which is a bit annoying but she' never ook anything important to me so im quite mad. i just hope it turns up and she hasnt got it it because she like to distroy things (especially when they're not hers)

i'm going to do some work now seen as i've not realy done anything today except make drinks for everyone lol.

ta for't read ;-) xxx

now im back in the weight loss thing again i've been thinking about how to tackle it; my binges are back and thats the problem; if i didnt binge then i'd be thin because i dont have big meals.  so i've decided to stop binges i need some destractions to be doing before craving get uncontrolable! so i thought how many? 7? 10? 20?  then i decided on letters so i'm making a list of 26 projects to do to destract me from food

26 things to do instead of binge:
A- The sims 2; fill an entire naibourhood will old people then get a goldigga to marry them all.... HA!
B- NVQ Work; edit, finished nvq need to think of somthing else
C- Jappanese work;
D- Rosetta stone; Language learning softweare
E- A Pokemon game; 
F- drink 1.5L of water!
G- Get Rudey!
H- colouring book/paint by numbers
I- Tidy room
J- paint nails
K- write in diary
L- sing along to an entire album; or just a lot of songs
M- phone a friend or the bf
N- go for a walk
O- try on some clothes
P- sleep/lay in bed
Q- go swimming
R- watch thinspo
S- brush teeth
T- make jewlrey
U- play on the wii
V-  practice guitar or piano
W- style hair
X-puzzle book
Y- clean the house
Z- read up on diet tips

ok so thats my base list, i'm not fasting or anthing; these are just things to do to stop me binging.

A binge is; mindlessly eating when not always hungry


other rules:

• take multivitamin daily
• dont eat past 7PM
• drink at least 2L of water
• dont eat more than 1400 calories a day
• do 2-3 hours exercise a week

not realy a diet but i need to stop binging!!!